Being a father in a unconventional family
On a bright sunny day, we meet Designer and Brand Director David Andersen and his son, Elliot in their beautiful apartment in the heart of Copenhagen, where they live with David's boyfriend, Kasper. The story of David and Elliot's mother begins eight years ago when they are introduced by a mutual friend. Their journey from first date to becoming a loving family beautifully illustrates how modern families can be shaped in countless ways.
Tell us a little about your family?
Our family may deviate from normal, but for us it's our own version of normality. Over eight years ago, the mother of my son and I were introduced through a mutual friend. We both wanted a child and were single, so we decided to date. Luckily, there was a spark between us and we quickly discovered common values and dreams.
After a year and a half of getting to know each other and planning, we wrote everything down - from finances to custody - to secure our agreements. Thankfully, since the birth of our son Elliot, we've rarely needed the agreement. Our relationship is characterized by love and respect, and we always solve problems through conversation with Elliot's best interests in mind.
When Elliot was 1,5 year old, I met an amazing guy who Elliot called "Gaga". Now, five years later, Elliot still calls him Gaga. He's not just a boyfriend, but an indispensable part of our family. Gaga is Elliot's best friend and a stepfather of sorts, whom Elliot trusts as much as he trusts us, his biological parents. Gaga has become a third parent in our little family.
What are the biggest challenges of being a father in a modern family where parenting doesn't follow traditional patterns?
Before I became a father myself, I imagined that a 7/7 arrangement was the ideal solution. But when it became a reality, I realized how challenging it is to be separated from your child for a whole week at a time. The loss is overwhelming and you never really get used to this separation. Nevertheless, a 7/7 arrangement works perfectly for us. We both have demanding careers and lives full of appointments and activities and it allows us to dedicate ourselves fully to our work one week, while the next week we can be fully present for Elliot. We can pick him up early, have long conversations, play and really enjoy each other's company. This way, Elliot gets the best of both of us, which creates a harmonious balance in our family.
How do you manage to juggle your parental obligations with your personal or career ambitions?
Being a father in our situation has always been relatively uncomplicated. Of course, it involves the planning that all parents of young children are familiar with, which can be challenging at times. You strive to do your best at work, pick up your child on time, pack the most nutritious lunch, read a good bedtime story, dress your child in the best clothes and be present for after-school activities, playdates and socializing after school. This requires you to compromise at times.
For us, this often means that I don't cook big home-cooked dinners at night and our apartment can be a bit messy at times. This is something I would never have accepted before becoming a father. But now it's different, because now it makes sense. My time and energy is much better invested in spending time with my son, both for his sake and mine.
How do you balance being a supportive father with maintaining your own interests and needs?
Achieving a harmonious balance between career and parenthood is a significant challenge. I have a deep passion for my work and constantly strive to deliver excellence, but my son will always come first. I consciously allocate my time and energy to be present for Elliot and give him all the support he needs. Although my work is very important, my role as a father is undoubtedly the most essential for me.
What do you think are the most important qualities a modern father needs to have to be a positive influence in his child's life?
I value the quality of the time we spend together more than the quantity. When I am with my son, I am fully present and engaged in our activities. I also try to include my son in my own hobbies whenever possible, which creates shared experiences and strengthens our bond.
"It's important to be patient with yourself as a father, learn from mistakes and spend quality time with your child to strengthen the relationship."
I make sure to set aside time for activities that help me relax and recharge. This is important for my own wellbeing and also makes me a better father. The most important thing is to be aware that this is a continuous process. Life with children can be unpredictable, so you need to be flexible and adaptable.
For me, it's about being present both physically and emotionally. I strive to be a responsible and reliable father and a good role model for Elliot. Communication, respect and lots of love are the foundation of our family.
What are your thoughts on gender roles in parenting in today's society and how does it affect your approach to being a father?
As a parent, I play an important role in shaping my son's values and attitudes. I try to balance freedom and structure and teach him responsibility and empathy. I think it's important to balance values like tolerance, environmental awareness and critical thinking. Important factors that make me navigate parenting with both heart and mind.
"...I think it's important to step away from old expectations and create our own ways of parenting."
It seems that traditional perceptions of what it means to be a father are gradually changing. For me, this means I feel free to be a more engaged and caring father without being limited by stereotypes. I want to be present and actively participate in all aspects of my son's life, whether it's changing diapers or providing emotional support, and I think it's important to step away from old expectations and create our own ways of parenting.
How do you communicate with your partner about parenting responsibilities and decisions in your family?
Communication is essential to making our family work. Openness, respect and listening are key to finding common solutions and taking our son's needs into account.
What advice or lessons learned would you give to other fathers who may feel insecure or overwhelmed by the tasks of parenting in a modern family?
It's important to be patient with yourself as a father, learn from mistakes and spend quality time with your child to strengthen the relationship. Find work-life balance and remember to take care of your own health.
David Andersen, who graduated as a designer from Glasgow School of Art in 2004, is passionate about sustainable development and aesthetic innovation. After working with several Danish brands, he established his own brand in 2009 and achieved great recognition both nationally and internationally. His commitment to environmental awareness and ethical manufacturing has earned him several prestigious awards, including from the Danish Arts Foundation.
From 2014 to 2018, David was Vice President, Design for Rosendahl Design Group. He has since explored new areas of design as a member and ambassador of the Red Dot Committee. Today, David is Brand Director at Kingsland under the Global Equestrian Group.
